We started to have problems around valentines day, about two weeks later, we broke up. Then at my birthday party I find out she is dating her old boyfriend. This whole thing totally caught me off guard, and I dont really know why it happenend. She told me things like its not your fault... your perfect, and its not you. I have basically been miserable for about a month now. We still see each other, but its obviously not the same. She says she might still come back to me, she just needs to figure herself out, and understand why she still has feelings for this guy. All I can think of is getting her back, but I know she needs time to evaluate her emotions. I go from periods of trying to convince her to come back, to deep dark depressions with sarcastic recoils that I know hurt my baby, and after I say them I want to die, to trying to understand and be supportive. I want to do the last thing, but its the hardest thing I have ever done. I guess I realize that trying to convince her to come back is a bad idea... I still want her back, but she isnt ready yet... if she ever will be. So It is only complicating things. Only time will help. It is just that its the hardest thing I have ever done... letting go of heaven... I dont want to let go, and maybe I never will totally. I pray, and wish that I could wake up from this nightmare, and hold my baby, and never let her go. Just look into her eyes and get lost in their beauty. Sigh my old sighs of content, and know even if everything in the world sucks, its ok because I have her.
She is the one who gave me wings... she made me realize that I dont have to be like everyone else. She helped me find myself, and become truly happy. I had the best year of my life with her. I used to live a mediocre life, with a very few friends, and most of my days and nights consisted of books, and video games... Then I met her, and I laughed, loved, and lived. Nothing will ever compare to those days again. It was literally heaven on earth. Everyone around us could tell that we had something that would take them years to find... or they never would. We were the envy of everyone, and couldnt be happier. Then something changes, I dunno, maybe it was due to me going to college, and us not seeing eachother as often. Or the Car accident Jon got into. I dunno, all I know is that now she has feelings for Jon again, and my wings have been cut, and my everything has been taken away. I plummeted to the ground and hit hard enough to break my heart a thousand times. I return to my life of mediocrity, and hope that I wont become one of those old people who are all alone, who cant let the past go because it was so much better to live there then where they are now.
I have tried to look at other girls, just to see... there is even one who likes me at work... I was semi interested. I mean she is cute, and nice... mostly because she is alot like tammy... but I would never be happy, because she isnt tammy.I know none of them could ever even begin to measure up to my squirrel... OH I pray that It was my fault, that I did something wrong, because then I could fix myself, but no I ask her and she says its her... I would do anything to get her back, yet everything isnt enough.
You once said that you could spend the rest of your life with me, and you still think that... well I gotta tell you that you dont find people like that very often. Once in a lifetime if your extremely lucky... I know I would do my best to make your life the best ever, but you wont allow me that chance... So I sit her all alone, back to my video games and books, but they arent the same... I had a glimpse of heaven... and now everything else seems so dull. I guess its not bad to figure out your feelings. After all mistakes teach us alot in life. Who knows what will happen in a few months...except that: Tomorrow always comes sooner then one thinks.
Honestly I am thinking alot about my self, and my own pain, but I am also trying to think about yours... Perhaps this is the best thing for you right now. As I lay her in the desert unable to move anymore dying from dehydration and exhaustion a fool's hope burns in me... you have said no we cant get back together yet to me so many times now, but I still have hope... I guess its all I have left... but this time I am going to try to give you some time, and not bother you with it anymore... Go do what you have to do, and let me stop interfering... just know that I will be here waiting for you, if you ever decide to make a go at it again. And I will love you always. You dont have to worry about me getting my hopes up to much, and falling apart again if you say no... But I still have hope. I want to tell you... yes I am a pathetic mess right now, but I am strong, and I can be your man, if ever it could be again.
I wouldnt be this sad if I didnt love you so much baby... just know that please.
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