Wanderings

I feel funny. Life is weird. I want something differnt. Something weird and strange, a mystery that will bring me to something exciting. I hope something is going to change for the better, because lately it has mostly been crap. Except for this monday. But thats only one day in a series of mediocre ones. I hope there something new over this next hill...... because frankly... Im Bored.

Gay People

So these queers calling themsleves the CRC give me this post card. IT says call for good news. So after a few attempts and them being busy, I finally get soem dousche bag who wants to sell me some magazines. I get 2 free ones and like 6 ones I have to pay 4 dollars each for. He is talking fast like that Carney who tried to rip me off at the fair. (who succeeded because he talked fast they say free but what they mean is 10 dollars for a tiny toy) He was like gime me some info and stuff. OF course he said it nicer, but then I did, and I was transferd and this lady describes the deal and if i am aware of it, I am like what If I dont want to pay. I am transfered to this other lady who was really obnoxious and musta had braces she says this has nothing to do with magazines would u like 350 bucks of grocerys and a gas card for free? Just give my your credit card #. Im like I think Ill pass.. WHY WHAT MADE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND?!!!! I am like I dunno. She asks me if I want to again. Im like NO! OK have a nice day. OMG! I am a people pleaser at times, but I know (after the carney) when I am being suckerd. And I think these people need to be severely beaten.

Maybe Someday?

I look back at my old notes and cards and everything from you and they are just pieces of paper, they don't mean anything to anyone right? Well those little pieces of paper mean the world to me, they mean I once had you and you once loved me, and they give me some hope, that if you loved me before, if you cared about me that much before, then you can do it again. ~ Maegan Michelle

Someone Elses Star

Alone again tonight
Without someone to love
The stars are shining
So one more wish goes up
Oh I wish I may
And I wish with all my might
For the love I’m dreaming of
And missing in my life

You’d think that I could find
A true love of my own
It happens all the time
To people that I know
Their wishes all come true
So I’ve got to believe
There’s still someone out there who
Is meant for only me

I guess I must be wishing on
Someone else’s star
It seems like someone else keeps getting
What I’m wishing for
Why can’t I be as lucky
As those other people are
I guess I must be wishing
On someone else’s star

I sit here in the dark
And stare up at the sky
But I can’t give my heart
One good reason why
Everywhere I look
It’s lovers that I see
It seems like everyone’s in love
With everyone but me

I guess I must be wishing on
Someone else’s star
It seems like someone else keeps getting
What I’m wishing for
Why can’t I be as lucky
As those other people are
I guess I must be wishing
On someone else’s star

Why can’t I be as lucky
As those other people are
Oh, I guess I must be wishing
On someone else’s star

Last Notes

You’re so precious to me, I don’t even think you realize how much. It’s like that blanket or teddy bear everyone has when they’re little – never able to be parted with, always the most important thing, and love more than anything else in the world. That’s what you are to me, and you always will be … forever.



The only thing I’m guilty of is giving you too much love. ~ Dream

My car paid me for vacuuming it!

I was vacuuming my car this afternoon, and I keep finding change. Mostly Quarters... I am like AWESOME! I found 1.95$ in change. Thats pretty cool. I guess my car was really pleased she got vacuumed. I also found this dime that was in my little thing that adjucts the seat incline. It apparently had been there a long time and was totally mangled it was awesome. Anyway I think I am going to name my Camaro Selina. HEHE. WHat?! Other people name their Camaros as well!

Slang Terms for Intoxication

Baked
Blitzed
Bombed
Cooked
Faded
Fried
Frying
Fucked Up
Gonzoed
Hammered
High
Loaded
Nodding
Plastered
Stoned
Smashed
Snockered
Spraked
Trashed
Tripping
Tweaking
Wasted

A Sheep in Wolves Clothing

I was reading my psych book (no I am not on drug) (but at first I typed I was reading my psych class so maybe I am just crazy)... lol

So anyway in my psych book I am reading about conditioning. Which is associating something with something else that is unrelated due to pain or pleasure. Such as Pavlovs dog. They rang a bell every time he was fed, and pretty soon he started salivating to the bell even when food wasnt present, because he associated the bell with food. (actually I disagree somewhat... yes they TECHNICALLY made the dog salivate to a bell, but really he was still salivating to the food, he just thought the bell ringing meant food was coming)

So anyway in a practical application researchers applied this technique to deter wolves from eating rancher's sheep, without killing the wolves. They laced sheep meat with chemicals that cause nausea. And as a result they developed conditioned aversion to sheep. The funny part is that this worked so well a few of the wolves became afraid OF THE SHEEP! That is hilarious. I think anyway. hehe.

What I learned in Psych Class

We are all just congealed stardust, an accidental byproduct of cosmic chemistry. We have no free will, and we simply respond to stimuls similiar to that of a computer. We have no choice in our actions they are dictated by our environment, geans, and learning. We are simply puppets of the world. There is no God, and we are simply intelligent animals.

Well I can sum up my thoughts about this in two really neat words: BULL SHIT.

Denying GOD's existance is like walking into a library and declaring the books to be the product of chance.

Irony at its GREATEST

Well how is this for irony. Last night at around 11 pm, my buddy from work and me were going to race. We both have LOUD! exhaust, and were revving the crap out of our cars. I bet we could be heard from many blocks away. Then we are going about 50 down the biggest street in town. We hit a light and we both floor it. There were like 3 cars around us, and we were loud as jet planes. My tires with spinning from the incredible amount of torque, and Chris pulled ahead of me because I shoulda eased on the pettle then floored it so I coulda got the maximum amount of traction. Initially he pulled ahead some, but then I got my traction and left him in the dust. So anyway we honked, and I turned off to go home, and never even heard a whisper of a cop. Then this morning I come back from english class, and have a parking tickit! I forgot to hang my decal, because I was in a major hurry. Is that totally unexpected or what instead of getting in trouble for last night, I get in trouble for being forgetful! How is that for irony... now I am not complaining, but its just like... sheesh. The fine for being forgetful at SDSU is 20 bucks. My friend from english class said hed give me his get out of jail free ticket, because I already used mine, but then we couldnt because it was only for his decal #. But the guy was really nice about it. I went and parked by all the cop cars and my Camaro was like haha want to race. The cars of course said nothing. Being slow and all. So the moral of the story is when you are worried about the big things in life the little things come and kill you. Not that I was worried, just a bit wary for common sense.

Scientists Detect Two Decision-making Pathways In Human Brain

In a classic Aesop fable, the Ant diligently stores food for the upcoming winter, while the Grasshopper lounges in the summer sun oblivious to the impeding change of season. Like the characters in this tale, people are often torn between impulsively choosing immediate rewards or more deliberatively planning for the future. And now new research supported in part by the National Institute on Aging (NIA), a part of the National Institutes of Health (NIH), suggests why: human decision-making is influenced by the interactions of two distinct systems in the brain which — like the Ant and Grasshopper — are often at odds.

I feel like that when I am "trying" to do homework... lets see I could, play on the internet, DRIVE MY CAR, watch tv.. or I could do my homework... Tough decision... not. I usually procrastinate to long... and often times barely get done what I needed to do... and winter is coming. Will you be ready?

PS.. Actually spring is coming... but just play along ok people. GOSH!

Love Quote

"I have learned the basics of dating, and now have moved on to higher level confusion." - Tyler West

=

Wanting What You Cant Have

I wrote this time a long time ago... posted it on my site... unfortunatly it has relevance in my life again. I wish I could be happy somehow again... but its such a fleeting emotion nowadays.

I sit here forever alone
comtemplating my cruel fate
destined to live a solitary life
forever seeking that which I can't have

My desire is so close
torturing me the most
near enough to touch
yet I can't have what I want so much

I knock on you door
but am denied entrance
my soul just seeks shelter
so it can be complete

Oh woe am I
if only I was him
then perhaps you'd let me in
and my heart would sing again

The Mediocre Life

We started to have problems around valentines day, about two weeks later, we broke up. Then at my birthday party I find out she is dating her old boyfriend. This whole thing totally caught me off guard, and I dont really know why it happenend. She told me things like its not your fault... your perfect, and its not you. I have basically been miserable for about a month now. We still see each other, but its obviously not the same. She says she might still come back to me, she just needs to figure herself out, and understand why she still has feelings for this guy. All I can think of is getting her back, but I know she needs time to evaluate her emotions. I go from periods of trying to convince her to come back, to deep dark depressions with sarcastic recoils that I know hurt my baby, and after I say them I want to die, to trying to understand and be supportive. I want to do the last thing, but its the hardest thing I have ever done. I guess I realize that trying to convince her to come back is a bad idea... I still want her back, but she isnt ready yet... if she ever will be. So It is only complicating things. Only time will help. It is just that its the hardest thing I have ever done... letting go of heaven... I dont want to let go, and maybe I never will totally. I pray, and wish that I could wake up from this nightmare, and hold my baby, and never let her go. Just look into her eyes and get lost in their beauty. Sigh my old sighs of content, and know even if everything in the world sucks, its ok because I have her.

She is the one who gave me wings... she made me realize that I dont have to be like everyone else. She helped me find myself, and become truly happy. I had the best year of my life with her. I used to live a mediocre life, with a very few friends, and most of my days and nights consisted of books, and video games... Then I met her, and I laughed, loved, and lived. Nothing will ever compare to those days again. It was literally heaven on earth. Everyone around us could tell that we had something that would take them years to find... or they never would. We were the envy of everyone, and couldnt be happier. Then something changes, I dunno, maybe it was due to me going to college, and us not seeing eachother as often. Or the Car accident Jon got into. I dunno, all I know is that now she has feelings for Jon again, and my wings have been cut, and my everything has been taken away. I plummeted to the ground and hit hard enough to break my heart a thousand times. I return to my life of mediocrity, and hope that I wont become one of those old people who are all alone, who cant let the past go because it was so much better to live there then where they are now.

I have tried to look at other girls, just to see... there is even one who likes me at work... I was semi interested. I mean she is cute, and nice... mostly because she is alot like tammy... but I would never be happy, because she isnt tammy.I know none of them could ever even begin to measure up to my squirrel... OH I pray that It was my fault, that I did something wrong, because then I could fix myself, but no I ask her and she says its her... I would do anything to get her back, yet everything isnt enough.

You once said that you could spend the rest of your life with me, and you still think that... well I gotta tell you that you dont find people like that very often. Once in a lifetime if your extremely lucky... I know I would do my best to make your life the best ever, but you wont allow me that chance... So I sit her all alone, back to my video games and books, but they arent the same... I had a glimpse of heaven... and now everything else seems so dull. I guess its not bad to figure out your feelings. After all mistakes teach us alot in life. Who knows what will happen in a few months...except that: Tomorrow always comes sooner then one thinks.

Honestly I am thinking alot about my self, and my own pain, but I am also trying to think about yours... Perhaps this is the best thing for you right now. As I lay her in the desert unable to move anymore dying from dehydration and exhaustion a fool's hope burns in me... you have said no we cant get back together yet to me so many times now, but I still have hope... I guess its all I have left... but this time I am going to try to give you some time, and not bother you with it anymore... Go do what you have to do, and let me stop interfering... just know that I will be here waiting for you, if you ever decide to make a go at it again. And I will love you always. You dont have to worry about me getting my hopes up to much, and falling apart again if you say no... But I still have hope. I want to tell you... yes I am a pathetic mess right now, but I am strong, and I can be your man, if ever it could be again.

I wouldnt be this sad if I didnt love you so much baby... just know that please.

Sneaky Camaros

Well most people know that the Z28 Camaro with the LT1 engine (1993-1997 like mine) makes alot more hp then the factory quotes it at: 275. Due to either insurance reasons, or so it doesnt steal thunder from the corvette... or both. But how much is it really underrated? I found a site that gives an equation to approximate your 0-60 times. It is as follows:
[WEIGHT OF CAR IN KILOGRAMS/(HP*.09)]. I did a few tries with varying hp figures until I got 5.4 seconds 0-60 which it is quoted for on many websites. I have also done this with my camaro (5.3 actually... but it has a few mods). So I think the camaro is probably underrated by 50 horsepower. Which would put it at about 325 horsepower. Thats what the factory rates the newer SS camaros with the LS1 engine at... They are most likely underrated as well.

How a Little Blind Sheep Got Some Glasses

Well I have some advice for all people in a relationship. DISCUSS WHAT YOU ARE FEELING! Even if it hurts. If you don't talk about something and ignore it, the problem just grows. And even after you have talked about it dont think it will just go away because you need to work for it. And if you are in a relationship remember that its just not you, and if you are going to make a important decision its nice if you include the other person, because it is a partnership after all.

Love Hurts

I am aware that I am posting alot of song lyrics lately. They are the best mediums to expess my feelings though. I hope you read them. This is a song by Bon Jovi Called Love hurts:

Sometimes love can feel
Like the closest thing to heaven
Sometimes love can feel
Like you've been run over by a car
Yes it can it's the strangest thing I know
Make you feel warm when you feel cold
And if you down on happiness
You better get used to the taste of sadness
Cause love can sure hurt sometimes

[Chorus:]
Love hurts and it don't
Love don't always work
Love ain't all it seems
It feels good but it stings
Love hurts and it don't

Some people will tell you
It's the best thing for the heart
Yes they will what they fail to tell you
It can tear your life apart
But you know it's as sweet as a summer rain
But it can hit you like a train
Fill your heart with pain
Fill your heart with pain
Ooh everybody sing, everybody sing

[Chorus:]
Love hurts and it don't
Love don't always work
Love ain't all it seems
It feels good but it stings
Love hurts and it don't

[Bridge:]
When you know that you're alive
Cause you feel so much pain
When you feel you can't survive
But you make it anyway
When it feels too good to stop
But it hurts too much to say
Then you know, yes you know
You gotta know love hurts
It hurts and it don't

[Chorus:]
Love hurts and it don't
Love don't always work
Love ain't all it seems
It feels good but it stings
Love hurts and it don't

Duh Again

I was thinking about going to check the weather on my computer, and see my watch is on upside down I am like gee THAT ISNT GOING TO TELL THE WEATHER IF ITS ON UPSIDE DOWN! Then I am like Duh! I mean time! Man Darci has rubbed off on me, in one day of being with her! HAHA.

What a Retard!

Lol I a ditzoid! (new word!) Gee going from intellectual(last post) to retarded skippy says they are opposites, but they both live in me quiet comfortably, sometimes even at the same time! (its just that lately I have been sad, so I havent been thinking about much but my situation, so havent been intellectual or stupid) Anyway, I went to lunch with Marcus and Mike at KFC, my camaro was sitting outside and I was admiring it, as usual hehe. Then I looked out the window to the right and seen another one just like mine. Im like wow! Two camaros that look exactly alike! Then Later I look at the other one again, and notice its exactly offset so it looks like a mirror image of mine. Im like thats odd. I look a little closer and discover it isnt a window its a mirror! Mike was sitting just so that I couldnt really tell, and it was a very clean mirror. I felt like such a retard because I told my friends that there was a nother camaro out there! I dont think they figured it out tho. HAHA.

Then another funny thing that happenend was that the booths are really small, and I sat with marcus, and we are both really big. Mike went to get seconds, and said you guys look like your gay sitting like that without me there. I was like oh thanks. Before that Marcus said since it was my birthday (a few days ago, but this was today)he would feed me, so he put stuffing on my spoon, and put it infront of my mouth. I shut it tight as tho it was pees. I said its to demeaning sorry buddy. Hes like gee I didnt have a problem with it. HAHA good times.

Understanding Humanity

*NOTICE* This isnt preaching towards anyone specifically, its just my view on life.

I think I have come to understand humanity somewhat. I think underneath we are all the same. Really everyone just wants the same things I think. To survive, and get their needs met, and be satisfied. I take for instance Jon, I want to hate him, but I really don't because I think if I would have been put in his situation (had his parents, genes, experiences, etc) I could have been him. Its not even his fault, he just likes someone I happen to like (LOVE!) as well .

I think people just do "bad" things because they dont really understand what they are doing. They just are trying to meet their goals in a socially unacceptable way. So technically its not bad, its just ignorance. Most of the time. Or sometimes one is driven to vile deeds by necessity. The thing though that we do have control over is our choices. We can choose to do what we do, but if we have always been told we are no good then its hard. The choices you make will inevitably help you understand yourself. Unfortunatly pain is your medium of learning, because it teaches very well. Perhaps if we understood ourselves, we would learn more by logic then that of pain. Maybe all people need is some motivation to understand themselves and the will to change for the better. I am not sure where I am going with this, except that no one is really better then anyone else. Actually I take that back somewhat... at your current point of being you may be generally more "good" then another, but I think we all have the same potential to be "Good" if we have the chance to understand ourselves. Now I am not talking about relationships here, because thats a differen ballgame all together, just living a good life in general. Some famous philosopizer (hehe) said "know thyself." and that probably is one of the most important things we can do in life. For when we know ourselves we understand our behavoir, and then can change or stay the same.

How Can I not Love You

Cannot touch, Cannot hold, Cannot be together
Cannot love, Cannot kiss, Cannot love eachother
Must be strong and we must let go
Cannot say what our hearts must know

Chorus:
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here in my arms
How does one walks away
From all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone

Cannot trip, Cannot share sweet and tender moments
Cannot feel how we feel, Must pretend it's over
Must be brave and we must go on, Must not say
Wat we no longer long

Chorus:
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here in my arms
How does one walks away
From all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone

How can I not love you

Bridge:
Must be brave and we must be strong
Cannot say what we no longer long

Chorus:
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here in my arms
How does one walks away
From all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone

How can I not love you
When you are gone

Inanimate Objects

At work today the buzzer for the grilled onions went off, when I was really busy, and I couldnt get to it for a while, and it was becoming annoying, so when I finally turned it off I tell it to be quiet. Norm (my boss) hearing this says "Talking to the buzzer huh?" I reply: "Ya I must be going crazy I guess." Then he says: "Naw people talk to inanimate objects all the time like buzzers, timers, and sometimes even Skippy." I busted out laughing because Skippy sometimes seems like an imanimate object. He is so quiet, and sneeks up on you, and always has this bored look in his eyes. But sometimes he comes to life, like when he is poking people, or sneaking up on them, this mischevious fire lights up his eyes. Hes pretty cool tho. Anyway, I thought it was hilarious.

Whatever words I say I will always Love you

I realize now, by stumbling upon a poem (I believe by divine providence), that I was going about this situation all wrong. Of course I was hurt, and dont blame myself for that. But I guess I needed to stop feeling like a victim. I was hurting, but I guess I need to stop making her feel sorry for me, I need to help my baby deal with this, even if it doesnt turn out that I am the one. I was struggling against reality, trying to bend it to my will, and stay with the one I love, but what she really needs is for me to hold on loosley, and let her decide for herself what is right. God has a plan, and I put faith in him, and her. If something is meant to be, then it will surely happen, and if it isnt, then I had an incredible time while it lasted, and am thankful for that.

If I could offer some advice, don't follow your head, or logic. Follow your heart, and if you do, then it will work out eventually. Do what you FEEL is best, NOT what your brain thinks is easiest. What will make you happiest, and is best for you. Even if that doesn't include me.

I am not letting go, or saying I dont want you. ON THE CONTRARY, NOTHING WOULD MAKE ME HAPPIER, then to be your one and only, and I wish it every day, but I want you to be happy. I promise that I will move mountains for you, and love you for always and forever. No matter what.

Drag Racing isnt only for that track!

Well my friends friend who is now my friend, has a Turbo Charged Mazda MX-6, and he wanted to race my 94 Z28 camaro, becuz he hadnt ever raced anyone before so. So We decide to go out on town onto the two lane. Turns out we hit two stoplights and raced then. I won both times. We then turn, onto the two lane, well technically it was two lanes in town, so we got out of town. We both punched it at like 30, and he was keeping up pretty good until I got into third gear. So I won, but we were surprised he kept up so well. So then that night we were haning out with him and some other dudes, and Chris had to go to his house, and talk to his dad. A Super Charged Bonneville pulls up to us on main street. He gave the signal he wanted to race, and we totally smoke him, up to like 50 mph, then I turned on a side street, cause we were going somewhere else. Then after a while we leave to go to the hotel, and some sort of oldsmobile pulls up to us. The one dude in my car says hey i know that guy. We beat him as well. So 3 races 3 wins in one night. So apparently turbo charged 4 cyl, and supercharged v6 are no good against a stock V8. HAHA. Good stuff.

Fun Fun

So Tammy has this jeep cherokee, and I was following her home from school, and she hasnt really seen my new Z28 Camaro drive yet, so I decide to have a little fun. My car rides like a sports car (duh it is!), and the ride is bumpy. So I take it easy and let her be infront of me. Just waiting till we turn on the new smooth road. Then She turns, and I decide to show her what I can do. I commence to crank the wheel hard, and floor it. Since my car is rear wheel drive this creats much side ways skid like the dukes of hazard. I almost did a 180, and Tammy slows down obviously concerned, but I meant to do that. So she speeds up, and gets maybe to the triple digits, and I fly past her, I can imagine what she was saying. HEHHEHE. None of it being appropriate for anyone not under say... 30. HAHA. Happy cruising.

Floundering

Today I had to takes a PEPS inventory for my one class. Basically I had to answer questions about my study habits. It was 100 questions but basically it was the same 10 questions almost exactly the same reapeated over and over, with barely different phrasing. I think thats what a lot of things in life are, but we don't relize it. We just make the same mistakes over and over with slightly different variations. I dunno what to do anymore. I don't know what I am doing really, I am just floating. Not in a good way either. Just going on my routines like they still matter to me. Pretending like life matters, when I have lost my definition, but sometimes when I am with my friends I forget, sort of. I looked at a famous picture "Foot prints in the sand." and it has a poem on it that says there are two sets of footprints in the sand, and one is the lord, but when their are problems there is only one set then, so the guy asks why did you leave me lord when I needed you most? HE replies by saying I didnt leave you, there is only one set because during those times I was carring you on my back. Thats how I feel right now, because I dont think I could walk on my own. Hopefully I will be able to walk on my own two feet again sometime soon.