Episode: 32
Victim: Middle aged single white male.
Name: Jason Brown
Marital Status: Bachelor
Job: Janitor.
Ride: 1984 Ford Tempo
Color: light blue
***Xzibit, a famous rapper, sneaks up to his next victims house: Jason Brown’s. Who is a middle-aged janitor. His ride is sitting in the driveway unattended.***
“YO, yo, yo, MTV. This is X to the Z. I’m here to pimp Jason’s ride, which he has no clue about.”
***Xzibit creeps up to Jason’s blue ford tempo, and looks around. He stops dead in his tracks and whistles. Then shakes his head in derision.***
“Holy Sh*t this car is garbage! I aint never seen a pile of complete crap like this before. Look at this door here it looks like its cardboard. GAG! LOOK! There is a hamster living in here, pee yew! And the hood is held on by a piece of chicken wire! That’s some real redneck stuff right thurr folks!”
***Xzibit proceeds to walk up to the house and nocks on the door. No one answers. He looks confused for a minute, and then peers in the window. He sees a figure on a computer. The guy looks up quickly and draws the shade. Suddenly the door opens.***
Xzibit: “Hey Jason this is MTV and we are about to pimp your ride!”
Jason: “OM MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OHHHHH MY GOOOSHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”
Xzibit: “Say um Jason I’m curios what were you doing on your computer?”
Jason: “Oh nothing! Nothing at all! Just um umm, looking at… bunnies? Ya that’s right bunnys! HAHA…”
Xzibit: “A bunny huh? Right…. You might want to wipe off that white stuff off your pants
Jason: “WHAT!? OH that’s just… um well cool whip. I was eating… err hot dogs.”
Xzibit: “Cool whip with hot dogs?”
***Xzibit looks at the camera and says behind his hand yeah right hot dogs!***
* * *
***Xzibit pulls into the west coast customs shop with Jason’s crap-mobile and shows his “impressive” ride to them. They are not very happy.
Shop People: “Yo Xzibit why we always have to pimp sh*t? We quit until you bring us something cool like a corvette or something!”
Xzibit: “Boys, boys, chill out… I brought you something…”
***Xzibit slips them something white in a zip lock bag, and they agree to pimp Jason’s Car, but decided to have a little fun. ***
***They proceed to pimp the ride, and have some dramatic staged arguments pretend to not have the parts till the last minute and barely finish***
***The car now looks like something on 2Fast2Furious.***
***Xzibit brings Jason into see his new car.***
Jason: “HOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! ”WOW LOOK AT ALL THAT RICE! I LOVE IT! What an awesome color I love red”
Mechanic guy who is obviously reading from a teleprompter: “We put in twin turbos, and a supercharger, nitrous, a cold air intake, a racing chip, blah blah blah, now with your car you will go half as fast as a stock Camaro!”
Jason: “Holy F*ck that’s fast!!!”
Xzibit: “We put in a bunch of audio and video stuff as well. Like this 15 inch, LCD monitor built into the dash. Five 20-inch subwoofers, Brand new speakers, etc.”
Jason: “sweet!”
Mechanic guy who is obviously reading from a teleprompter: “All these mods we did to your car cost about twice as much as a corvette would, but its still your ford tempo! Wow that’s awesome!”
Jason: “Ya who would want a corvette when I can have a riced out Tempo!”
***Jason starts to cry hugs everybody and they all slap one another on each others butts way more then necessary***
***Jason gives the same old one liner that everyone does at the end of the show and leaves in his car***
* * *
***Later that day on the road, Jason stops at a red light, and a Camaro pulls up to him. The guys start to point at him and gawk. He of course thinks they are admiring his rice, but obviously, they think he is a moron.***
***When the light turns green, he floors his car, and pulls way ahead of the Camaro he thinks he is hot crap until he hears a jet plane taking off. He wanders what that huge noise is. It could not be a car it is to excessively loud. A lot louder then his car. Then the Camaro flies past him like a bat out off hell. It turns out they let him get half way to the next stoplight before they even started.***
* * *
***Jason nonplussed with his rice rocket decides he just needs some better gas in his car, and decides to put in some super duper unleaded. Its only 10 cents more expensive per gallon.***
***Later that day he finds his gas tank empty and wonders why. He has only gone 24 miles. He decides that maybe he has a leak in his fuel line. So takes his car to a mechanic***
***He pulls up to he local NAPA and goes inside***
***The mechanic greets him with flailing arms and a scream***
Napa Mechanic: “Ahh its you my hero! I seen your ride get pimped!”
Jason: “ERR ok let me go you big greasy oaf.”
***Jason explains his problem to the mechanic and he nods. He says he will look at his car for free.***
***The mechanic gets in Jason’s car, and peels out. He takes it around the block in a few minutes, and comes back. Then does a few donuts, and for a finale he floors it at Jason and turns the wheel all the way left, the car skids sideways and almost hits Jason***
Napa Mechanic: “Didja know you need new tires?”
***Jason hits himself in the head and says to himself: ”Well now I do, you @$$.”***
***The mechanic takes the car into his shop comes back out in an hour, and tells Jason he owes him 500 bucks.***
Jason: “What I just got my ride pimped nothing was busted!”
Napa Mechanic: “I know but now it is hehehe!”
Jason: “Well did you fix my fuel line?”
Napa Mechanic: “ Err no there wasn’t anything wrong with it. With all your performance modifications, you only get 3 miles to the gallon, and they had to make your tank smaller to put some stuff in you car, and it now only holds about 8 gallons. Have a nice day.”
***Jason pays him grudgingly and mutters under his breath. He decides to keep his car even with the bad mileage because its so awesome.***
* * *
***Jason decides to go the insurance company and show them his new car. Because Xzibit said that he would get a discount on insurance with his new car alarm.***
Jason: “Hey guys! I got my ride pimped, and got a car alarm, how much will my discount be?”
Slippery Salesman: “Well you pay about 300 bucks for 6 months right now… so lets see ill take off 50 bucks from that!”
Jason: “Wow! Then what does that make my total every month then?”
***The Slippery Salesman considers for a moment***
Slippery Salesman: “Well let’s see… umm about 300 dollars for 1 month.”
Jason: “What?! That is more! WHY?!
Slippery Salesman: “ Well with all those performance mods, the total goes way up. The color red gets more speeding tickets so that will make it go up as well. Beings it’s a unique car it is more prone to thieves so that will increase your premium as well. So your looking at about 1,500 $ for 6 months for that. In addition, that was us in that Camaro you decided to race, so we sent you a speeding ticket, that will make your rate soar to about 2,000$! Glad you stopped by. Have a nice day!”
Jason: “Damn it! I am beginning to hate my car!”
***Jason kicks his car and then hops on one foot as he cradles his wounded one***
* * *
***The next day Jason drives his pimpin’ car to work. His boss is sitting outside. His boss waves at him.***
Boss: Hey Jason I seen you on pimp my ride, that was cool man! You are so lucky… Hey buddy old pal old friend can I have a ride in your new car?”
***They drive around town a bit, and have to get some more gas. Then they pull up to a light with another Camaro.***
Boss: ”Hey Jason smoke this poser! ”
Jason: “Maybe some other time…”
Boss: “Suit yourself.”
***Jason pulls up to another light with a white Honda Civic He decides to race him and actually beats him by a lot. The guy in the civic flips him off and drives away. His boss cheers.***
Boss: “ Wow Jason that was so exhilarating!”
Jason: “ Yay I know, I was beginning to hate my car, but now its not to bad.”
***Jason is feeling pretty good, and decides to ask about his office***
Jason: “Hey Carl did you get my new windows in my office yet?”
Boss: “Sure did want to go take a look at?”
Jason: ”Sure.”
***They proceed to his office. It is amazing the whole north and east side are windows with a stunning view. He has a new big screen TV a neon lighted fish tank with exotic fish, a huge new leather chair, and a gigantic stereo with surround sound***
Jason: “Wow what did I do to deserve this? This is incredible! Thanks boss, I think my life may be turning around”
Boss: “Yeah your life probably is… oh but this isn’t your office any more. Didn’t anyone tell you? When you went to be on pimp my ride, you missed work. You were supposed to work 9-5. Therefore, we fired you. Sorry. Have a nice day.”
***That is the last straw for Jason he finally goes ballistic and calls his boss every swear word in the book.***
Jason: “PIMP THIS YOU BASTARD!”
***Jason punches his boss and nocks him out. He then proceeds to jump through the new glass window, and commit suicide. As he is falling he decides this may have been a bad idea.***
*** He lands on his car, and goes through his new sunroof which he had taken off previously, landing on his comfortable leather seats unscathed.***
Jason:” F*ck you piece of Sh*t rice rocket! I can’t even commit suicide!”
Jason: “AARRRGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!”
* * *
***6 months later Jason sells his car on eBay for $7,500. He buys a 1997 black Z28 Camaro, it never gave him a day of trouble. Now he is dusting rice rockets left and right. He joined the advertising division for GM, and helped bring back the Camaro for 2007. *(It was discontinued in 2002 so GM could make more SUVS and Pickups) He now is making a good living, and has a girlfriend who drives a 85 Trans Am. His life certainly did turn around, and he is in works with his lawyer to file a lawsuit on Xzibit for being a big jerk. ***
Today’s Show is brought to you by the letter & #s Z28
And Remember Kids: Rice Kills!
T h e E n d
Written by Tyler West. This entire story is fiction any resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely consequential. This is my unique story. Written: Thursday November 11, 2004. Hope you liked it.
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