Tigger Bounces Again

Lately I have been posting like CRAZY! Due to the fact that my whole life has changed. And I have alot on my mind. I have been going through a very difficult time. Well thats an understatement. Don't worry, I will not dwell on the bad for to long. I apologize I am so long winded, but I read Stephen King! HAHA!

Recently, I was suffering so much, I didn't know how to make the pain go away, I was dwelling on the hurt so much, that at times, I thought I might die. I was so overwhelmed by my sorrow, that I even got drunk... when I was drunk, I felt very happy, but I could tell my happiness wasn't real. I regret I did that, and don't plan on doing it again. I don't believe drinking in moderation is bad, but I believe drunkenness is evil. I know my mother's dad used to be an alcoholic, and it led only to heartbreak, and more sorrow. I didnt do that again, but I kept going into a downward spiral, and the sorrow got so bad, I was literally going insane... Tammy told me not to focus on the pain, this helped me somewhat. I stopped listening to my sad music, and thinking for what happened and that my future would be so empty.

Another thing that has helped me was me meeting a new friend on msn about a week ago. She helped me get through the pain as well. She apparently goes to the same school Darci goes to. And she has this totally positive outlook. I guess she taught me its better to look on the good things and not the bad.

I have realize that people can tell you only so much, and even if their words do not fall on deaf ears they can only give you directions for the path... you have to find it. Then you have to walk it. Sorry, sometimes its just easier for me to understand things abstractly then come right out and say it.

But I guess it really didn't click until today. I burnt a CD with the Lord of the Rings Soundtrack, Conan the Barbarian Soundtrack, and Enya all on it. I had to give my final paper for this one class, and when I got home, I just sat in my car, with the window down, a slight breeze coming in, and the sun streaming threw the trees. Enya really gave helped the transition of my life. I have stopped playing Computer games, mostly stopped watching TV, and have not read a book lately. So I am like... what else is there to do without these things?! I realized entertainment was running my life, and I realized so was my reliance on a girl in my life. I realized, that I wasn't even living anymore; I was just getting sort of entertained. As I was listening to the slow, and slightly sad music of Enya, I realized that I also was trying to rush threw everything. I just need some time to relax, and get back to myself, because I wasn't really living. I am not sure if you understand me, but at that point in time, I realized that I could live life without all the usual entertainment, and I would be ok if I didn't have a girlfriend for a while. I want to try to get back to what I love, and live a little for myself instead of for short lived desires. I want to get back to nature, write some poetry, read some books, maybe write a book, draw, take more walks, and just take life slower. I realized that I am ok, and the world is big and beautiful, and I am eager to live, and hopefully not afraid anymore.

During my time of sorrow, I also came to realize, that I had lost God, and wasn’t living my life according to his will. I had created my own God, which would never let his people get sad, or anything bad happen to them. I was angry at him for letting this happen to me, and just kind of forgot about him. I now realized that he cares for me, and wants me to learn. I have accepted him back in my life, and now he is a big part of it. Threw my sorrow, I sought out God, and throw my faith, he has allowed me to cope with this, and understand.

I guess what I am saying, is that this break up was in itself so hard, and so sad, but it put my whole life in perspective, and helped me realized that I was living it wrong. It helped me change for the better, and realize that my heart will go on, and I can exist by myself, and helped me find God, and have hope once again. It sounds odd, but thank you Tammy. Thank you for everything you have given me, and taught. It means everything to me.

Who knows, maybe along the way something beautiful will happen to me, I wont say what, because I don't know, that’s the beauty of it. Until then, TIGGER BOUNCES AGAIN!