Evolution has really been in the public eye as of late. Particularly in schools. In Georgia on textbooks that taught evolution they had a sticker that said: "This textbook contains material on evolution. Evolution is a theory, not a fact, regarding the origin of living things. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully, and critically considered."
They had a judge remove it... That is so blatantly wrong it pissed me off to the extreme. Schools are one giant institution of misinformation. They just make kids believe blindly what they teach as fact. All the sticker is saying is approach this material with an open mind, and dont take it as fact, until you consider, and weigh the evidence. It should say that about the whole textbook in my view. Its hard to break out of the beliefs that society plants in us about the world. Since we have been taught certain things are "fact" for so long. They dont teach us how to think for our self. Just to believe what other people labeled scientist believe. I am not saying that "necessarily" evolution is false,(even though I believe it doesnt explain everything) but that parading it around as truth is bullshit. How can we in our arrogance believe we even know anything? I used to think we knew most everything, and things had worked perfectly. But in reality its crap. We dont KNOW hardly ANYTHING. Most of science is guesses. At Davisco (a local cheese plant), our precise machines break down all the time. And its probably rare to the extreme for one piece of cheese to come out exactly the same as the last, and I mean rare! There are so many factors like moisture, fat, protien, salt, texture, accidents, vat conditions, etc that change it. Its probably impossible. We dont even know 1 percent of the knowledge of the world. Do we know anything EXACTLY? No, and we probably never will, its all guesses and appoximations.
So I would say that the theory of evolution is just that, a theory. I think if they are going to teach evolution they should also present intelligent design as an alternative. Give kids some facts, and let them decide what is right instead of feeding them this propaganda bullshit about what is fact, and what is not. We are destroying our young kids minds, and not allowing them to think analytically about the evidence and draw their own conclusions. Instead we just blindly go to books, and take what we read in them as facts. Albert Einstein would be appalled. He never went with the mainstream, and he THOUGHT of his OWN ideas. He would not even be famous if he just took the works of scientists of his day as divine truths. He weighed all the evidence, and came to his own conclusion. Unlike our schools teach us how to do. By the way he believed in a higher power.
So if there is a seperation of church and state either remove evolution or start teaching that there COULD be an alternative. Because in my mind teaching evolution is unconstitutional. Its a religion. So, if you dont remove evolution then you should also present intelligent design, and let the children decide. What the scientific community is doing is wrong to the extreme. We call this prejudice. "An adverse judgment or opinion formed beforehand or without knowledge or examination of the facts." If we dont give kids knowledge of both sides, then we are acting in a manner that is no better then what Adolf Hitler did to Germany with his media misinformation, and propaganda.
If evolution isnt a religion I dont know what is. They have faith in their theorys, and pursue them with insane devotion, and basically gives a theory of how our world came to be, just like the bible. Their God is evolution, and their Jesus is Darwin. Simple as that. You can resist this paragraph if you want, but if you DARE to think about it, its true. Evolution is simply a different religion, and may be backed up with SOME scientific fact, but must be taken largely on faith because it does not explain everything. Contrary to what you have been taught by society.
Here is my logic. If evolution is such an undesutable fact then it should hold up to scutiny right? So why are scientists so afraid to subject their beliefs to even the REMOTEST POSSIBLITY of God? Maybe because deep down they know what is right, and what is wrong... Its called a Conscious... Where do you think that came from? God perhaps... Or was it Darwin?
5/24/2005
5/16/2005
5/14/2005
Dedicated to Nichole
This blog is dedicated to Nichole Bussard. July 5, 1988 - May 9, 2005.
NICHOLE BUSSARD was my friend. Maybe I wasn't as close to her as some others, but we had alot of good times. I will never forget the summer we had with Tammy, Nikki, and me. I will never forget those nights driving around in watertown aimlessly, and just having fun. Nikki has taught me to love life, and to be a good friend. Tammy and I were planning to do something with all three of us, someday soon. Reliving old times I guess. I have learned we must should validate our friends we have now, and never take them for granted, because what does one man have who has everything in the world but friends? Nothing. We can never know when the friends we take for granted are gone. I will miss you, Nikki and I believe that someday we will all be together, and be living the good times again. Until then, I guess we must never forget the past, but should try to live in the present, because this is the time that matters. Right now. So Nikki here is to you!
Pippin "I didn't think it would end this way"
Gandalf "End? No the journey doesn't end here.
Death is just another path, one that we all must take.
The grey rain curtain of this world rolls back,
and all turns to silver glass...and then you see it..."
Pippin- "What Gandalf? See what"
Gandalf- "White shores...and beyond,
a far green country, under a swift sunrise."
Pippin- "Well, that doesn't sound so bad."
Gandalf- "No, no it isn't"
-May the wind under your wings bear you where the sun sails and the moon walks.
NICHOLE BUSSARD was my friend. Maybe I wasn't as close to her as some others, but we had alot of good times. I will never forget the summer we had with Tammy, Nikki, and me. I will never forget those nights driving around in watertown aimlessly, and just having fun. Nikki has taught me to love life, and to be a good friend. Tammy and I were planning to do something with all three of us, someday soon. Reliving old times I guess. I have learned we must should validate our friends we have now, and never take them for granted, because what does one man have who has everything in the world but friends? Nothing. We can never know when the friends we take for granted are gone. I will miss you, Nikki and I believe that someday we will all be together, and be living the good times again. Until then, I guess we must never forget the past, but should try to live in the present, because this is the time that matters. Right now. So Nikki here is to you!
Pippin "I didn't think it would end this way"
Gandalf "End? No the journey doesn't end here.
Death is just another path, one that we all must take.
The grey rain curtain of this world rolls back,
and all turns to silver glass...and then you see it..."
Pippin- "What Gandalf? See what"
Gandalf- "White shores...and beyond,
a far green country, under a swift sunrise."
Pippin- "Well, that doesn't sound so bad."
Gandalf- "No, no it isn't"
-May the wind under your wings bear you where the sun sails and the moon walks.
5/09/2005
God Doesn't Believe In Atheists
I am not trying to offend anyone, but this quote really moved me. It is from a book called: "God Doesn't Believe In Atheists." It is one of the best books I have ever read, and makes perfect logical, and rational sense, that the bible is true. Anyway on to my quote:
Dwight D. Eisenhower said,
It takes no brain to be an atheist. Any stupid person can deny the existence of a supernatural power because man's physical sense cannot detect it. But there cannot be ignored the influence of conscience, the respect we feel for the Moral Law, the mystery of first life... or the marvelous order in which the universe moves about us on this earth. All these evidence the handiwork of the beneficent Deity... That Deity is the God of the Bible and of Jesus Christ, His Son.
_____________
Now If you do not believe in God, because you think there is no proof think again. There is proof, and if you are a reasonable person, and read this book, I believe that you will seriously question your long held beliefs. I would be happy to loan this book out, to anyone interested... (that is in close proximity to me. As in 50 miles)
Dwight D. Eisenhower said,
It takes no brain to be an atheist. Any stupid person can deny the existence of a supernatural power because man's physical sense cannot detect it. But there cannot be ignored the influence of conscience, the respect we feel for the Moral Law, the mystery of first life... or the marvelous order in which the universe moves about us on this earth. All these evidence the handiwork of the beneficent Deity... That Deity is the God of the Bible and of Jesus Christ, His Son.
_____________
Now If you do not believe in God, because you think there is no proof think again. There is proof, and if you are a reasonable person, and read this book, I believe that you will seriously question your long held beliefs. I would be happy to loan this book out, to anyone interested... (that is in close proximity to me. As in 50 miles)
5/05/2005
Miracles Do Happen
The Associated Press
Updated: 1:30 p.m. ET May 3, 2005ORCHARD PARK, N.Y. -
Nearly 9½ years after a firefighter was left brain-damaged and mostly mute during a 1995 roof collapse, he did something that shocked his family and doctors: He asked for his wife.
Staff members of the nursing home where Donald Herbert has lived for more than seven years raced to get Linda Herbert on the telephone.
It was the first of many conversations the patient had with his wife, four sons and other family and friends Saturday during a 14-hour stretch, Herbert’s uncle Simon Manka said.
“How long have I been away?” Herbert asked.
“We told him almost 10 years,” the uncle said. “He thought it was only three months.”
Herbert, who will turn 44 Saturday, was fighting a house fire Dec. 29, 1995, when the roof collapsed, burying him under debris. After going without air for several minutes, Herbert was comatose for 2 1/2 months and has undergone therapy ever since.
Seeking privacy
News accounts in the days and years after his injury describe Herbert as blind and with little, if any, memory. Video shows him receiving physical therapy but apparently unable to communicate and with little awareness of his surroundings.
Manka declined Monday to discuss his nephew’s current condition, or whether the apparent progress was continuing this week. The family was seeking privacy while doctors evaluated Herbert, he said.
“He’s resting comfortably,” the uncle said.
As word of Herbert’s progress spread, a steady stream of visitors arrived at the Father Baker Manor nursing home in this Buffalo suburb.
“He stayed up ’til early morning talking with his boys and catching up on what they’ve been doing over the last several years,” firefighter Anthony Liberatore told WIVB-TV.
Herbert’s sons were 14, 13, 11 and 3 when he was injured.
Staff members at the nursing facility recognized the change in Herbert, Manka said, when they heard him speaking and “making specific requests.”
“The word of the day was ‘amazing,”’ he said.
Updated: 1:30 p.m. ET May 3, 2005ORCHARD PARK, N.Y. -
Nearly 9½ years after a firefighter was left brain-damaged and mostly mute during a 1995 roof collapse, he did something that shocked his family and doctors: He asked for his wife.
Staff members of the nursing home where Donald Herbert has lived for more than seven years raced to get Linda Herbert on the telephone.
It was the first of many conversations the patient had with his wife, four sons and other family and friends Saturday during a 14-hour stretch, Herbert’s uncle Simon Manka said.
“How long have I been away?” Herbert asked.
“We told him almost 10 years,” the uncle said. “He thought it was only three months.”
Herbert, who will turn 44 Saturday, was fighting a house fire Dec. 29, 1995, when the roof collapsed, burying him under debris. After going without air for several minutes, Herbert was comatose for 2 1/2 months and has undergone therapy ever since.
Seeking privacy
News accounts in the days and years after his injury describe Herbert as blind and with little, if any, memory. Video shows him receiving physical therapy but apparently unable to communicate and with little awareness of his surroundings.
Manka declined Monday to discuss his nephew’s current condition, or whether the apparent progress was continuing this week. The family was seeking privacy while doctors evaluated Herbert, he said.
“He’s resting comfortably,” the uncle said.
As word of Herbert’s progress spread, a steady stream of visitors arrived at the Father Baker Manor nursing home in this Buffalo suburb.
“He stayed up ’til early morning talking with his boys and catching up on what they’ve been doing over the last several years,” firefighter Anthony Liberatore told WIVB-TV.
Herbert’s sons were 14, 13, 11 and 3 when he was injured.
Staff members at the nursing facility recognized the change in Herbert, Manka said, when they heard him speaking and “making specific requests.”
“The word of the day was ‘amazing,”’ he said.
5/04/2005
My Rusty Chevrolet
Dashing through the snow in my rusty Chevrolet
Down the road I go, sliding all the way.
I need new piston rings, I need some new snow tires;
My car is held together by a piece of chicken wire.
Chorus:
Rust and smoke, the heater's broke, the door just blew away.
I light a match to see the dash and then I start to pray.
The frame is bent, the heater went, the radio it's Ok.
Oh what fun it is to drive this rusty Chevrolet.
I went to the IGA to get some Christmas cheer.
I just passed my left front tire and it's getting hard to steer.
Skidding down the road, spinning like a top.
I had to drag my Timberlands to get the car to stop.
Chorus
Bouncing through the snowdrifts in a big blue cloud of smoke.
People laugh as I drive by; I wonder what's the joke?
I got to get to town to pick up the lay-away
'Cause Santa Clause is coming soon in his big ol' rusty sleigh
Down the road I go, sliding all the way.
I need new piston rings, I need some new snow tires;
My car is held together by a piece of chicken wire.
Chorus:
Rust and smoke, the heater's broke, the door just blew away.
I light a match to see the dash and then I start to pray.
The frame is bent, the heater went, the radio it's Ok.
Oh what fun it is to drive this rusty Chevrolet.
I went to the IGA to get some Christmas cheer.
I just passed my left front tire and it's getting hard to steer.
Skidding down the road, spinning like a top.
I had to drag my Timberlands to get the car to stop.
Chorus
Bouncing through the snowdrifts in a big blue cloud of smoke.
People laugh as I drive by; I wonder what's the joke?
I got to get to town to pick up the lay-away
'Cause Santa Clause is coming soon in his big ol' rusty sleigh
5/03/2005
Joy in Little Things
From the website www.truth1.org
"Some people have low thresholds for excitement. That is to say, nearly anything excites them or gets them high. They are easy to please or excite. Watch a child some time. Small children are very easy to entertain or please. Small things are very entertaining or amusing. They can be happy just getting pushed on a swing or some silly behavior you might engage in. And their expressions are so much more extreme, too. They really get excited or laugh, squeal, scream, yell, cry, etc."
"Adults become more reserved, more muted, more deadened. They are much harder to excite or get expressions from. They are not as easy to please. It takes a lot more to excite or please them and they will not react as strongly as kids do. They have what we might call a much higher threshold for excitement."
"I think part of the problem is that as we grow, we allow the world to hurt us and kill our joy of small simple things. Before we realize it, we start demanding the greatest of expectations for everything. (Tyler- This is releveant in our society today because we have so many forms of entertainment... TV, Computer, Books, etc. that we forget how to entertain ourselves, and we adopt the belief that all adults should act this way... HOW BORING DONT LET SOCIETY STEAL YOUR FUN!)
"A get together is not enough any more. Eating out is not big enough. Sex with our partners is not enough. Entertaining and playing with chidlren and seeing their joy is not enough. We might get a new car but the joy soon wears off. No matter what we do or what we buy or get, we are never happy; it is never enough. We have a definite problem, don't we?"
---------------------
Solution:
---------------------
This is me speaking again. Ok, so anyway, as we get more mature, we feel like we have to act a certain way... From my experience adults are SO boring sometimes. Have you ever watched them at a get together? They just sit there, and talk about boring things like work, the weather, school, whatever. Sometimes they play card games. Honestly, how boring... where did the magic go? We have conformed to society's expectations, and forgot how to entertain ourselves. I think we should sometimes act a little goofy, and try to retain, the mystery of life, and the magic of our childhood. Our hopes and dreams, our desires for the future. Whatever. We should not allow ourselves to be *dullitized*(TM) hehe. Joy can be easily found in every day life, you just got to look for it. This guy at work Tim is so anal about stuff being clean and perfect, and stuff has to be done a certain way. But then at the same time he is a goofy nutcase who is pretty weird. Hes still sometimes acts like a kid, and still pulls of being a mature, responsible adult and is 32 years old! I mean if TIM can do it we can do it right? HEH why not!
Here is a simple exercise I made up for you, go outside run around your house once, and scream where are the mutated badgers from space?!!! ARHHHH THERE IN MY PAAAAAAANTS! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH!!!!!
If anyone you know ask you what you are doing say you wouldn't understand you have ben Dullitized! And walk away laughing! Enjoy.
"Some people have low thresholds for excitement. That is to say, nearly anything excites them or gets them high. They are easy to please or excite. Watch a child some time. Small children are very easy to entertain or please. Small things are very entertaining or amusing. They can be happy just getting pushed on a swing or some silly behavior you might engage in. And their expressions are so much more extreme, too. They really get excited or laugh, squeal, scream, yell, cry, etc."
"Adults become more reserved, more muted, more deadened. They are much harder to excite or get expressions from. They are not as easy to please. It takes a lot more to excite or please them and they will not react as strongly as kids do. They have what we might call a much higher threshold for excitement."
"I think part of the problem is that as we grow, we allow the world to hurt us and kill our joy of small simple things. Before we realize it, we start demanding the greatest of expectations for everything. (Tyler- This is releveant in our society today because we have so many forms of entertainment... TV, Computer, Books, etc. that we forget how to entertain ourselves, and we adopt the belief that all adults should act this way... HOW BORING DONT LET SOCIETY STEAL YOUR FUN!)
"A get together is not enough any more. Eating out is not big enough. Sex with our partners is not enough. Entertaining and playing with chidlren and seeing their joy is not enough. We might get a new car but the joy soon wears off. No matter what we do or what we buy or get, we are never happy; it is never enough. We have a definite problem, don't we?"
---------------------
Solution:
---------------------
This is me speaking again. Ok, so anyway, as we get more mature, we feel like we have to act a certain way... From my experience adults are SO boring sometimes. Have you ever watched them at a get together? They just sit there, and talk about boring things like work, the weather, school, whatever. Sometimes they play card games. Honestly, how boring... where did the magic go? We have conformed to society's expectations, and forgot how to entertain ourselves. I think we should sometimes act a little goofy, and try to retain, the mystery of life, and the magic of our childhood. Our hopes and dreams, our desires for the future. Whatever. We should not allow ourselves to be *dullitized*(TM) hehe. Joy can be easily found in every day life, you just got to look for it. This guy at work Tim is so anal about stuff being clean and perfect, and stuff has to be done a certain way. But then at the same time he is a goofy nutcase who is pretty weird. Hes still sometimes acts like a kid, and still pulls of being a mature, responsible adult and is 32 years old! I mean if TIM can do it we can do it right? HEH why not!
Here is a simple exercise I made up for you, go outside run around your house once, and scream where are the mutated badgers from space?!!! ARHHHH THERE IN MY PAAAAAAANTS! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH!!!!!
If anyone you know ask you what you are doing say you wouldn't understand you have ben Dullitized! And walk away laughing! Enjoy.
5/02/2005
I Can Really Bounce!
Well, guess what today was...? Monday,at work... means I gotta clean broiler when I close at Zkota. Usually one my least favorite activities period! But guess what? I was happy... no scrath that estatic! I am back to my old self again! The Tyler that Tammy used to know when she first met me, except this is the new and improved version. Why? Well, I dunno, I just kinda employed my own little philosophy I have developed to be happy basically all the time. And it worked. I can't really explain it, but I just don't focus on negative things, I just am entertaining myself. Except today I wasn't withdrawn. I talked to everyone at work alot. Except this time I revealed my true self to them. At first I was just a little hesitant, and I found myself being SCARED to be happy again! Can you believe that?! But I got over it, and I flourished. I havent been this happy since probably last year at this time. I guess what people say is true, true happiness is found within ourselves, and not from without. (don't get me wrong alot of times you can get really happy from external things, but you cant solely rely on them to be happy, because things are not always perfect.) When we closed we listened to my new burnt cd... Enya, LOTR, and Conan the Barbarian. Three out of the four people there didn't mind it. But I loved it. I had a great time AND I WAS CLOSING! Imagine if I was doing something more stimulating. I believe I have found one of the answers to lifes biggest questions. How to be happy. Its hard to explain, but I will try to outline some of my philosophy for you here:
1. Don't really WORRY about the past or the future. (think about them, and plan ahead, and learn from the past, but dont get worked up about what mighta been, or be scared about tomorrow)
2. Totally be yourself, and dont change for other people just because you want to fit in... even if they are your best friend, and you are afraid of them not liking you.
3. Don't Dwell on negative things, bad things happen in life, but so do good things. But its HARD for good things to happen if you are dwelling on the bad, then you fail to notice the positive.
4. You can be happy RIGHT NOW! It doesnt really matter if good things are happening or not.
5. Dont be afraid to be happy.
6. Open up to other people, and they will open up to you as well.
7. Sometimes you can't pick your circumstance, but you can pick how you react to them.
8. There is a God, and he loves all of us.
9. Material things don't make people TRULY happy. (with some exceptions, but usually its short lived, and you move on to the next thing you want, and keep doing that)
10. Everything isn't always perfect, but it doesn't have to be perfect or even close for you to have a good time.
11. It is very important that you think! and be proactive about yourself and life. So you can change, and adapt for the better.
These are really only for me, I would suggest you making your own way to be happy, and really examine yourself, your feelings, thoughts, and be honest about them. If you understand yourself, its easier to make changes and respond to certain situations. Good Luck!
1. Don't really WORRY about the past or the future. (think about them, and plan ahead, and learn from the past, but dont get worked up about what mighta been, or be scared about tomorrow)
2. Totally be yourself, and dont change for other people just because you want to fit in... even if they are your best friend, and you are afraid of them not liking you.
3. Don't Dwell on negative things, bad things happen in life, but so do good things. But its HARD for good things to happen if you are dwelling on the bad, then you fail to notice the positive.
4. You can be happy RIGHT NOW! It doesnt really matter if good things are happening or not.
5. Dont be afraid to be happy.
6. Open up to other people, and they will open up to you as well.
7. Sometimes you can't pick your circumstance, but you can pick how you react to them.
8. There is a God, and he loves all of us.
9. Material things don't make people TRULY happy. (with some exceptions, but usually its short lived, and you move on to the next thing you want, and keep doing that)
10. Everything isn't always perfect, but it doesn't have to be perfect or even close for you to have a good time.
11. It is very important that you think! and be proactive about yourself and life. So you can change, and adapt for the better.
These are really only for me, I would suggest you making your own way to be happy, and really examine yourself, your feelings, thoughts, and be honest about them. If you understand yourself, its easier to make changes and respond to certain situations. Good Luck!
Tigger Bounces Again
Lately I have been posting like CRAZY! Due to the fact that my whole life has changed. And I have alot on my mind. I have been going through a very difficult time. Well thats an understatement. Don't worry, I will not dwell on the bad for to long. I apologize I am so long winded, but I read Stephen King! HAHA!
Recently, I was suffering so much, I didn't know how to make the pain go away, I was dwelling on the hurt so much, that at times, I thought I might die. I was so overwhelmed by my sorrow, that I even got drunk... when I was drunk, I felt very happy, but I could tell my happiness wasn't real. I regret I did that, and don't plan on doing it again. I don't believe drinking in moderation is bad, but I believe drunkenness is evil. I know my mother's dad used to be an alcoholic, and it led only to heartbreak, and more sorrow. I didnt do that again, but I kept going into a downward spiral, and the sorrow got so bad, I was literally going insane... Tammy told me not to focus on the pain, this helped me somewhat. I stopped listening to my sad music, and thinking for what happened and that my future would be so empty.
Another thing that has helped me was me meeting a new friend on msn about a week ago. She helped me get through the pain as well. She apparently goes to the same school Darci goes to. And she has this totally positive outlook. I guess she taught me its better to look on the good things and not the bad.
I have realize that people can tell you only so much, and even if their words do not fall on deaf ears they can only give you directions for the path... you have to find it. Then you have to walk it. Sorry, sometimes its just easier for me to understand things abstractly then come right out and say it.
But I guess it really didn't click until today. I burnt a CD with the Lord of the Rings Soundtrack, Conan the Barbarian Soundtrack, and Enya all on it. I had to give my final paper for this one class, and when I got home, I just sat in my car, with the window down, a slight breeze coming in, and the sun streaming threw the trees. Enya really gave helped the transition of my life. I have stopped playing Computer games, mostly stopped watching TV, and have not read a book lately. So I am like... what else is there to do without these things?! I realized entertainment was running my life, and I realized so was my reliance on a girl in my life. I realized, that I wasn't even living anymore; I was just getting sort of entertained. As I was listening to the slow, and slightly sad music of Enya, I realized that I also was trying to rush threw everything. I just need some time to relax, and get back to myself, because I wasn't really living. I am not sure if you understand me, but at that point in time, I realized that I could live life without all the usual entertainment, and I would be ok if I didn't have a girlfriend for a while. I want to try to get back to what I love, and live a little for myself instead of for short lived desires. I want to get back to nature, write some poetry, read some books, maybe write a book, draw, take more walks, and just take life slower. I realized that I am ok, and the world is big and beautiful, and I am eager to live, and hopefully not afraid anymore.
During my time of sorrow, I also came to realize, that I had lost God, and wasn’t living my life according to his will. I had created my own God, which would never let his people get sad, or anything bad happen to them. I was angry at him for letting this happen to me, and just kind of forgot about him. I now realized that he cares for me, and wants me to learn. I have accepted him back in my life, and now he is a big part of it. Threw my sorrow, I sought out God, and throw my faith, he has allowed me to cope with this, and understand.
I guess what I am saying, is that this break up was in itself so hard, and so sad, but it put my whole life in perspective, and helped me realized that I was living it wrong. It helped me change for the better, and realize that my heart will go on, and I can exist by myself, and helped me find God, and have hope once again. It sounds odd, but thank you Tammy. Thank you for everything you have given me, and taught. It means everything to me.
Who knows, maybe along the way something beautiful will happen to me, I wont say what, because I don't know, that’s the beauty of it. Until then, TIGGER BOUNCES AGAIN!
Recently, I was suffering so much, I didn't know how to make the pain go away, I was dwelling on the hurt so much, that at times, I thought I might die. I was so overwhelmed by my sorrow, that I even got drunk... when I was drunk, I felt very happy, but I could tell my happiness wasn't real. I regret I did that, and don't plan on doing it again. I don't believe drinking in moderation is bad, but I believe drunkenness is evil. I know my mother's dad used to be an alcoholic, and it led only to heartbreak, and more sorrow. I didnt do that again, but I kept going into a downward spiral, and the sorrow got so bad, I was literally going insane... Tammy told me not to focus on the pain, this helped me somewhat. I stopped listening to my sad music, and thinking for what happened and that my future would be so empty.
Another thing that has helped me was me meeting a new friend on msn about a week ago. She helped me get through the pain as well. She apparently goes to the same school Darci goes to. And she has this totally positive outlook. I guess she taught me its better to look on the good things and not the bad.
I have realize that people can tell you only so much, and even if their words do not fall on deaf ears they can only give you directions for the path... you have to find it. Then you have to walk it. Sorry, sometimes its just easier for me to understand things abstractly then come right out and say it.
But I guess it really didn't click until today. I burnt a CD with the Lord of the Rings Soundtrack, Conan the Barbarian Soundtrack, and Enya all on it. I had to give my final paper for this one class, and when I got home, I just sat in my car, with the window down, a slight breeze coming in, and the sun streaming threw the trees. Enya really gave helped the transition of my life. I have stopped playing Computer games, mostly stopped watching TV, and have not read a book lately. So I am like... what else is there to do without these things?! I realized entertainment was running my life, and I realized so was my reliance on a girl in my life. I realized, that I wasn't even living anymore; I was just getting sort of entertained. As I was listening to the slow, and slightly sad music of Enya, I realized that I also was trying to rush threw everything. I just need some time to relax, and get back to myself, because I wasn't really living. I am not sure if you understand me, but at that point in time, I realized that I could live life without all the usual entertainment, and I would be ok if I didn't have a girlfriend for a while. I want to try to get back to what I love, and live a little for myself instead of for short lived desires. I want to get back to nature, write some poetry, read some books, maybe write a book, draw, take more walks, and just take life slower. I realized that I am ok, and the world is big and beautiful, and I am eager to live, and hopefully not afraid anymore.
During my time of sorrow, I also came to realize, that I had lost God, and wasn’t living my life according to his will. I had created my own God, which would never let his people get sad, or anything bad happen to them. I was angry at him for letting this happen to me, and just kind of forgot about him. I now realized that he cares for me, and wants me to learn. I have accepted him back in my life, and now he is a big part of it. Threw my sorrow, I sought out God, and throw my faith, he has allowed me to cope with this, and understand.
I guess what I am saying, is that this break up was in itself so hard, and so sad, but it put my whole life in perspective, and helped me realized that I was living it wrong. It helped me change for the better, and realize that my heart will go on, and I can exist by myself, and helped me find God, and have hope once again. It sounds odd, but thank you Tammy. Thank you for everything you have given me, and taught. It means everything to me.
Who knows, maybe along the way something beautiful will happen to me, I wont say what, because I don't know, that’s the beauty of it. Until then, TIGGER BOUNCES AGAIN!
Cereal Ponderings
Well, today I tried honey clusters of oats cereal this morning. It was ok, but it tasted like cattle silage, and had these little things in it that reminded me of styrafome pieces. LOL. Weird. And speaking of cereal, I love grapenuts, it reminds me of munching of rocks. Its neat, maybe like I am related to that big giant on harry potter... darn its been to long, I cant remember his name... Its like Hil-, or something. LOL in the cast of Harry Potter and the Chamber or Secrets there is an Oliver Phelps! OMG! (Inside joke you wont get unless you know my psyc teacher)... Hilgred? No... HAGRID! haha!. Anyway so eating grape nuts make me feel like Hagrid. Anyway ya, Im gonna go, before I cause irrepairable brain damage hehe.
5/01/2005
Men Suck
It makes me mad how my gender (male, lol) treats women. I have alot of friends, and most of them only care about sex, and treat their women like objects. This is so sad. I guess I know some women who do that as well. Sex isn't supposed to be a major deciding factor, its simply a perk, of love. If I loved the right person enough, I could go through life without doing anything sexual with them. I'd rather be in love, then have meaningless sex with a random woman. Don't get me wrong, sex is great, but most people abuse it, and they lose the true meaning of it. Where is the love people? Every girl deserves to feel special, and they shouldnt be objectified into a sex toy. They should be treated like an angel, and forever cherished, because love is more important then sex. Love is the greatest thing in the world. Greater then Gold, Money, Big Houses, Sex and Camaros. If you have found love, then you have found something worth living for, and you should hold on to it, and cherish it above all the material things of the earth. Treat your girl like you want to be treated, and ask yourself a question... would YOU date YOU?
Boys of Summer
Nobody on the road
Nobody on the beach
I feel it in the air
The summer's out of reach
Empty lake, empty streets
The sun goes down alone
I'm drivin' by your house
Though I know you're not at home
But I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got your hair combed back and your sunglasses on, baby
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone
I never will forget those nights
I wonder if it was a dream
Remember how you made me crazy?
Remember how I made you scream
Now I don't understand what happened to our love
But babe, I'm gonna get you back
I'm gonna show you what I'm made of
I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
I see you walkin' real slow and you're smilin' at everyone
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone
Out on the road today, I saw a black black sticker on a Cadillac
A little voice Inside my head said, "Don't look back. You can never look back."
I thought I knew what love was
What did I know?
Those days are gone forever
I should just let them go but-
I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got that top pulled down and that radio on, baby
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone
I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got that hair slicked back and those Wayfarers on, baby
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone
Nobody on the beach
I feel it in the air
The summer's out of reach
Empty lake, empty streets
The sun goes down alone
I'm drivin' by your house
Though I know you're not at home
But I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got your hair combed back and your sunglasses on, baby
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone
I never will forget those nights
I wonder if it was a dream
Remember how you made me crazy?
Remember how I made you scream
Now I don't understand what happened to our love
But babe, I'm gonna get you back
I'm gonna show you what I'm made of
I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
I see you walkin' real slow and you're smilin' at everyone
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone
Out on the road today, I saw a black black sticker on a Cadillac
A little voice Inside my head said, "Don't look back. You can never look back."
I thought I knew what love was
What did I know?
Those days are gone forever
I should just let them go but-
I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got that top pulled down and that radio on, baby
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone
I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got that hair slicked back and those Wayfarers on, baby
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone
Empty and Alone
***This is another sad one, and no one has to read it if they dont wanna. Its more for me, but maybe you will. I know I have been depressed for the last two months, and everyone is probably getting sick of it, but so am I. But I cant just make these feelings go away. Its more for me right now, I guess. Just to get my thoughts down.Its probably mostly crying over what I have lost, and cannot be.
The phone rings... I jump is it for me?! Dale says: "Tyler." YES! Is it her? No, Darn, its just Norm... I have to go into work early. I also get to miss breakfast. Damn life sucks. I had a few people ask me if I was tired or something. Nice to know some people cared. Tim was a little worried about me, and so was michelle. I guess I feel so empty inside that all the life in my eyes has dried up. I guess I look like I feel. I know its not attractive or fun to be around a depressed person, but who do I have to impress...
Skippy, and I talked yesterday. He is a nice person, about 35 years old who works at Zkota, and who has lost all faith in himself. He has fun, but he doesnt (believe) anymore, and has never got the courage to ask anyone out. I keep wondering if I'll turn into another Skippy. OH well, it doesnt matter.
Today I was ceaslessly bombarded with bittersweet memories of us. I can't understand how you dont want to make any more with me. But its your choice I guess. My heart hurt so bad a few times I felt like crying. I did before work, and almost am now. I guess you probably think I am a pathetic child. I guess I probably am. I don't want you to be my mommy either.
I keep trying to tell myself different things about how life will get better, but I don't know if I believe them. I don't want things to get better I JUST WANT TO BE WITH YOU! I know that isnt what you need right now, and am sorry for my selfish desire. I hope things get better for you.
And I hope they get better for me...
The phone rings... I jump is it for me?! Dale says: "Tyler." YES! Is it her? No, Darn, its just Norm... I have to go into work early. I also get to miss breakfast. Damn life sucks. I had a few people ask me if I was tired or something. Nice to know some people cared. Tim was a little worried about me, and so was michelle. I guess I feel so empty inside that all the life in my eyes has dried up. I guess I look like I feel. I know its not attractive or fun to be around a depressed person, but who do I have to impress...
Skippy, and I talked yesterday. He is a nice person, about 35 years old who works at Zkota, and who has lost all faith in himself. He has fun, but he doesnt (believe) anymore, and has never got the courage to ask anyone out. I keep wondering if I'll turn into another Skippy. OH well, it doesnt matter.
Today I was ceaslessly bombarded with bittersweet memories of us. I can't understand how you dont want to make any more with me. But its your choice I guess. My heart hurt so bad a few times I felt like crying. I did before work, and almost am now. I guess you probably think I am a pathetic child. I guess I probably am. I don't want you to be my mommy either.
I keep trying to tell myself different things about how life will get better, but I don't know if I believe them. I don't want things to get better I JUST WANT TO BE WITH YOU! I know that isnt what you need right now, and am sorry for my selfish desire. I hope things get better for you.
And I hope they get better for me...
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