Wanting What You Cant Have

I wrote this time a long time ago... posted it on my site... unfortunatly it has relevance in my life again. I wish I could be happy somehow again... but its such a fleeting emotion nowadays.

I sit here forever alone
comtemplating my cruel fate
destined to live a solitary life
forever seeking that which I can't have

My desire is so close
torturing me the most
near enough to touch
yet I can't have what I want so much

I knock on you door
but am denied entrance
my soul just seeks shelter
so it can be complete

Oh woe am I
if only I was him
then perhaps you'd let me in
and my heart would sing again

The Mediocre Life

We started to have problems around valentines day, about two weeks later, we broke up. Then at my birthday party I find out she is dating her old boyfriend. This whole thing totally caught me off guard, and I dont really know why it happenend. She told me things like its not your fault... your perfect, and its not you. I have basically been miserable for about a month now. We still see each other, but its obviously not the same. She says she might still come back to me, she just needs to figure herself out, and understand why she still has feelings for this guy. All I can think of is getting her back, but I know she needs time to evaluate her emotions. I go from periods of trying to convince her to come back, to deep dark depressions with sarcastic recoils that I know hurt my baby, and after I say them I want to die, to trying to understand and be supportive. I want to do the last thing, but its the hardest thing I have ever done. I guess I realize that trying to convince her to come back is a bad idea... I still want her back, but she isnt ready yet... if she ever will be. So It is only complicating things. Only time will help. It is just that its the hardest thing I have ever done... letting go of heaven... I dont want to let go, and maybe I never will totally. I pray, and wish that I could wake up from this nightmare, and hold my baby, and never let her go. Just look into her eyes and get lost in their beauty. Sigh my old sighs of content, and know even if everything in the world sucks, its ok because I have her.

She is the one who gave me wings... she made me realize that I dont have to be like everyone else. She helped me find myself, and become truly happy. I had the best year of my life with her. I used to live a mediocre life, with a very few friends, and most of my days and nights consisted of books, and video games... Then I met her, and I laughed, loved, and lived. Nothing will ever compare to those days again. It was literally heaven on earth. Everyone around us could tell that we had something that would take them years to find... or they never would. We were the envy of everyone, and couldnt be happier. Then something changes, I dunno, maybe it was due to me going to college, and us not seeing eachother as often. Or the Car accident Jon got into. I dunno, all I know is that now she has feelings for Jon again, and my wings have been cut, and my everything has been taken away. I plummeted to the ground and hit hard enough to break my heart a thousand times. I return to my life of mediocrity, and hope that I wont become one of those old people who are all alone, who cant let the past go because it was so much better to live there then where they are now.

I have tried to look at other girls, just to see... there is even one who likes me at work... I was semi interested. I mean she is cute, and nice... mostly because she is alot like tammy... but I would never be happy, because she isnt tammy.I know none of them could ever even begin to measure up to my squirrel... OH I pray that It was my fault, that I did something wrong, because then I could fix myself, but no I ask her and she says its her... I would do anything to get her back, yet everything isnt enough.

You once said that you could spend the rest of your life with me, and you still think that... well I gotta tell you that you dont find people like that very often. Once in a lifetime if your extremely lucky... I know I would do my best to make your life the best ever, but you wont allow me that chance... So I sit her all alone, back to my video games and books, but they arent the same... I had a glimpse of heaven... and now everything else seems so dull. I guess its not bad to figure out your feelings. After all mistakes teach us alot in life. Who knows what will happen in a few months...except that: Tomorrow always comes sooner then one thinks.

Honestly I am thinking alot about my self, and my own pain, but I am also trying to think about yours... Perhaps this is the best thing for you right now. As I lay her in the desert unable to move anymore dying from dehydration and exhaustion a fool's hope burns in me... you have said no we cant get back together yet to me so many times now, but I still have hope... I guess its all I have left... but this time I am going to try to give you some time, and not bother you with it anymore... Go do what you have to do, and let me stop interfering... just know that I will be here waiting for you, if you ever decide to make a go at it again. And I will love you always. You dont have to worry about me getting my hopes up to much, and falling apart again if you say no... But I still have hope. I want to tell you... yes I am a pathetic mess right now, but I am strong, and I can be your man, if ever it could be again.

I wouldnt be this sad if I didnt love you so much baby... just know that please.

Sneaky Camaros

Well most people know that the Z28 Camaro with the LT1 engine (1993-1997 like mine) makes alot more hp then the factory quotes it at: 275. Due to either insurance reasons, or so it doesnt steal thunder from the corvette... or both. But how much is it really underrated? I found a site that gives an equation to approximate your 0-60 times. It is as follows:
[WEIGHT OF CAR IN KILOGRAMS/(HP*.09)]. I did a few tries with varying hp figures until I got 5.4 seconds 0-60 which it is quoted for on many websites. I have also done this with my camaro (5.3 actually... but it has a few mods). So I think the camaro is probably underrated by 50 horsepower. Which would put it at about 325 horsepower. Thats what the factory rates the newer SS camaros with the LS1 engine at... They are most likely underrated as well.

How a Little Blind Sheep Got Some Glasses

Well I have some advice for all people in a relationship. DISCUSS WHAT YOU ARE FEELING! Even if it hurts. If you don't talk about something and ignore it, the problem just grows. And even after you have talked about it dont think it will just go away because you need to work for it. And if you are in a relationship remember that its just not you, and if you are going to make a important decision its nice if you include the other person, because it is a partnership after all.

Love Hurts

I am aware that I am posting alot of song lyrics lately. They are the best mediums to expess my feelings though. I hope you read them. This is a song by Bon Jovi Called Love hurts:

Sometimes love can feel
Like the closest thing to heaven
Sometimes love can feel
Like you've been run over by a car
Yes it can it's the strangest thing I know
Make you feel warm when you feel cold
And if you down on happiness
You better get used to the taste of sadness
Cause love can sure hurt sometimes

[Chorus:]
Love hurts and it don't
Love don't always work
Love ain't all it seems
It feels good but it stings
Love hurts and it don't

Some people will tell you
It's the best thing for the heart
Yes they will what they fail to tell you
It can tear your life apart
But you know it's as sweet as a summer rain
But it can hit you like a train
Fill your heart with pain
Fill your heart with pain
Ooh everybody sing, everybody sing

[Chorus:]
Love hurts and it don't
Love don't always work
Love ain't all it seems
It feels good but it stings
Love hurts and it don't

[Bridge:]
When you know that you're alive
Cause you feel so much pain
When you feel you can't survive
But you make it anyway
When it feels too good to stop
But it hurts too much to say
Then you know, yes you know
You gotta know love hurts
It hurts and it don't

[Chorus:]
Love hurts and it don't
Love don't always work
Love ain't all it seems
It feels good but it stings
Love hurts and it don't

Duh Again

I was thinking about going to check the weather on my computer, and see my watch is on upside down I am like gee THAT ISNT GOING TO TELL THE WEATHER IF ITS ON UPSIDE DOWN! Then I am like Duh! I mean time! Man Darci has rubbed off on me, in one day of being with her! HAHA.

What a Retard!

Lol I a ditzoid! (new word!) Gee going from intellectual(last post) to retarded skippy says they are opposites, but they both live in me quiet comfortably, sometimes even at the same time! (its just that lately I have been sad, so I havent been thinking about much but my situation, so havent been intellectual or stupid) Anyway, I went to lunch with Marcus and Mike at KFC, my camaro was sitting outside and I was admiring it, as usual hehe. Then I looked out the window to the right and seen another one just like mine. Im like wow! Two camaros that look exactly alike! Then Later I look at the other one again, and notice its exactly offset so it looks like a mirror image of mine. Im like thats odd. I look a little closer and discover it isnt a window its a mirror! Mike was sitting just so that I couldnt really tell, and it was a very clean mirror. I felt like such a retard because I told my friends that there was a nother camaro out there! I dont think they figured it out tho. HAHA.

Then another funny thing that happenend was that the booths are really small, and I sat with marcus, and we are both really big. Mike went to get seconds, and said you guys look like your gay sitting like that without me there. I was like oh thanks. Before that Marcus said since it was my birthday (a few days ago, but this was today)he would feed me, so he put stuffing on my spoon, and put it infront of my mouth. I shut it tight as tho it was pees. I said its to demeaning sorry buddy. Hes like gee I didnt have a problem with it. HAHA good times.