Understanding Humanity

*NOTICE* This isnt preaching towards anyone specifically, its just my view on life.

I think I have come to understand humanity somewhat. I think underneath we are all the same. Really everyone just wants the same things I think. To survive, and get their needs met, and be satisfied. I take for instance Jon, I want to hate him, but I really don't because I think if I would have been put in his situation (had his parents, genes, experiences, etc) I could have been him. Its not even his fault, he just likes someone I happen to like (LOVE!) as well .

I think people just do "bad" things because they dont really understand what they are doing. They just are trying to meet their goals in a socially unacceptable way. So technically its not bad, its just ignorance. Most of the time. Or sometimes one is driven to vile deeds by necessity. The thing though that we do have control over is our choices. We can choose to do what we do, but if we have always been told we are no good then its hard. The choices you make will inevitably help you understand yourself. Unfortunatly pain is your medium of learning, because it teaches very well. Perhaps if we understood ourselves, we would learn more by logic then that of pain. Maybe all people need is some motivation to understand themselves and the will to change for the better. I am not sure where I am going with this, except that no one is really better then anyone else. Actually I take that back somewhat... at your current point of being you may be generally more "good" then another, but I think we all have the same potential to be "Good" if we have the chance to understand ourselves. Now I am not talking about relationships here, because thats a differen ballgame all together, just living a good life in general. Some famous philosopizer (hehe) said "know thyself." and that probably is one of the most important things we can do in life. For when we know ourselves we understand our behavoir, and then can change or stay the same.

How Can I not Love You

Cannot touch, Cannot hold, Cannot be together
Cannot love, Cannot kiss, Cannot love eachother
Must be strong and we must let go
Cannot say what our hearts must know

Chorus:
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here in my arms
How does one walks away
From all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone

Cannot trip, Cannot share sweet and tender moments
Cannot feel how we feel, Must pretend it's over
Must be brave and we must go on, Must not say
Wat we no longer long

Chorus:
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here in my arms
How does one walks away
From all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone

How can I not love you

Bridge:
Must be brave and we must be strong
Cannot say what we no longer long

Chorus:
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here in my arms
How does one walks away
From all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone

How can I not love you
When you are gone

Inanimate Objects

At work today the buzzer for the grilled onions went off, when I was really busy, and I couldnt get to it for a while, and it was becoming annoying, so when I finally turned it off I tell it to be quiet. Norm (my boss) hearing this says "Talking to the buzzer huh?" I reply: "Ya I must be going crazy I guess." Then he says: "Naw people talk to inanimate objects all the time like buzzers, timers, and sometimes even Skippy." I busted out laughing because Skippy sometimes seems like an imanimate object. He is so quiet, and sneeks up on you, and always has this bored look in his eyes. But sometimes he comes to life, like when he is poking people, or sneaking up on them, this mischevious fire lights up his eyes. Hes pretty cool tho. Anyway, I thought it was hilarious.

Whatever words I say I will always Love you

I realize now, by stumbling upon a poem (I believe by divine providence), that I was going about this situation all wrong. Of course I was hurt, and dont blame myself for that. But I guess I needed to stop feeling like a victim. I was hurting, but I guess I need to stop making her feel sorry for me, I need to help my baby deal with this, even if it doesnt turn out that I am the one. I was struggling against reality, trying to bend it to my will, and stay with the one I love, but what she really needs is for me to hold on loosley, and let her decide for herself what is right. God has a plan, and I put faith in him, and her. If something is meant to be, then it will surely happen, and if it isnt, then I had an incredible time while it lasted, and am thankful for that.

If I could offer some advice, don't follow your head, or logic. Follow your heart, and if you do, then it will work out eventually. Do what you FEEL is best, NOT what your brain thinks is easiest. What will make you happiest, and is best for you. Even if that doesn't include me.

I am not letting go, or saying I dont want you. ON THE CONTRARY, NOTHING WOULD MAKE ME HAPPIER, then to be your one and only, and I wish it every day, but I want you to be happy. I promise that I will move mountains for you, and love you for always and forever. No matter what.

Drag Racing isnt only for that track!

Well my friends friend who is now my friend, has a Turbo Charged Mazda MX-6, and he wanted to race my 94 Z28 camaro, becuz he hadnt ever raced anyone before so. So We decide to go out on town onto the two lane. Turns out we hit two stoplights and raced then. I won both times. We then turn, onto the two lane, well technically it was two lanes in town, so we got out of town. We both punched it at like 30, and he was keeping up pretty good until I got into third gear. So I won, but we were surprised he kept up so well. So then that night we were haning out with him and some other dudes, and Chris had to go to his house, and talk to his dad. A Super Charged Bonneville pulls up to us on main street. He gave the signal he wanted to race, and we totally smoke him, up to like 50 mph, then I turned on a side street, cause we were going somewhere else. Then after a while we leave to go to the hotel, and some sort of oldsmobile pulls up to us. The one dude in my car says hey i know that guy. We beat him as well. So 3 races 3 wins in one night. So apparently turbo charged 4 cyl, and supercharged v6 are no good against a stock V8. HAHA. Good stuff.

Fun Fun

So Tammy has this jeep cherokee, and I was following her home from school, and she hasnt really seen my new Z28 Camaro drive yet, so I decide to have a little fun. My car rides like a sports car (duh it is!), and the ride is bumpy. So I take it easy and let her be infront of me. Just waiting till we turn on the new smooth road. Then She turns, and I decide to show her what I can do. I commence to crank the wheel hard, and floor it. Since my car is rear wheel drive this creats much side ways skid like the dukes of hazard. I almost did a 180, and Tammy slows down obviously concerned, but I meant to do that. So she speeds up, and gets maybe to the triple digits, and I fly past her, I can imagine what she was saying. HEHHEHE. None of it being appropriate for anyone not under say... 30. HAHA. Happy cruising.

Floundering

Today I had to takes a PEPS inventory for my one class. Basically I had to answer questions about my study habits. It was 100 questions but basically it was the same 10 questions almost exactly the same reapeated over and over, with barely different phrasing. I think thats what a lot of things in life are, but we don't relize it. We just make the same mistakes over and over with slightly different variations. I dunno what to do anymore. I don't know what I am doing really, I am just floating. Not in a good way either. Just going on my routines like they still matter to me. Pretending like life matters, when I have lost my definition, but sometimes when I am with my friends I forget, sort of. I looked at a famous picture "Foot prints in the sand." and it has a poem on it that says there are two sets of footprints in the sand, and one is the lord, but when their are problems there is only one set then, so the guy asks why did you leave me lord when I needed you most? HE replies by saying I didnt leave you, there is only one set because during those times I was carring you on my back. Thats how I feel right now, because I dont think I could walk on my own. Hopefully I will be able to walk on my own two feet again sometime soon.